You’re a parent; you know your teens are looking at porn, and you know you need to talk about Porn. Goodoh, right?
Here’s the thing.
Your kids don’t want to talk to you about sex.
Off-colour jokes are fine, shrieks of ‘BOOBS!’ never fail to amuse… but the actual mechanics? Not so much.
No matter how open your house is, you just don’t want to have those chats with your Mum or Dad. They’ll sigh but tolerate you when you’re talking about contraception, that’s kind of accepted and useful.
But they REALLY don’t want to talk about porn with you.
And you really DO need to talk about porn with them.
(this article was first published in the LittleStuff magazine, June 2019)
So I wrote it down for my sons to read (and yes, of course I will show it to my daughter too).
Because this is really important. Really so very important.
Internet porn is the biggest sex educator of our young people (60% use it like an instruction manual). As a mother and as a woman, I really need my boys to know what Porn is teaching them – and not telling them too.
***
Because I know you’ve watched Porn. Yes you, squirmy boy at the back (and you, shifty girl at the front). Of course you have. In this visual digital age, there’s no way you can avoid it, even if you wanted to (and no teenager ever in the history of ever hasn’t been curious about it).
I’m sad you have – but not because I disapprove.
Not at all.
Curiosity is healthy, and Sex is bloody ace.
I just wish you got to experience it the way every single generation has before you – fumbling your way through with your chosen partner, learning with the good ones and from the bad ones. Not knowing where it’s going, but enjoying the exploration.
There’s nothing new about porn y’know. Film was invented in 1890, and by 1891, pornography films were being made. The clothing and hairstyles are antique, but the sex looks remarkably the same.
So here’s the thing. I need to know you know this stuff. But I also know you’ll hide for a week if I try and have this conversation with you out loud. So here.
Read, and inwardly digest. Trust me – future you will thank me.
Let’s talk about Porn.
1. Porn Sex Is Not Real Sex
These are actors and actresses cast to play roles together, chosen for the length of his dick, the size of her boobs and the neatness of her vagina. They’re performing in front of an entire crew, everything is done at a weird angle and they have constant instruction – move a leg, shift to your left, turn her over. It’s directed, not spontaneous. Your sex will not work this way unless you want someone sitting in the room and telling you where to move.
Also – remember that the men take Viagra to maintain that erection for hours. This is not how a normal penis will work. It’s actually hard keeping it hard. A 30min porn film may take up to 12hrs to shoot.
Twelve hours.
Non-porn real sex typically lasts between 3-7 minutes. Yes really.
In the words of an adult actress asked to talk about Porn:
“…don’t be one of those idiots who expects your significant other to do everything you see in a porno. If it looks like we’re holding that crazy f*cking position for five minutes – it’s more like thirty second clips. I’ll ask for a cut, go smoke a cigarette, stretch, slap some lube on and get back in it.“
2. Your body is not a porn star body. Do not compare.
Men in porn have been chosen expressly for how long their penis is. Seriously – they’re giant penises. Yours will not match theirs. They really are bigger than the rest of us. Everyone knows this, and yet porn penises are the standard by which men judge themselves. Stop worrying. You’re normal.
Also – it’s not a given that women love a bald scrotum. Porn stars have been thoroughly de-haired – it makes a penis appear larger, smoother and cleaner, and helps with those close-ups. Pubic hair is normal. Shave it if you fancy it (warning – regrowth itches), but know that most men don’t bother beyond an occasional trim.
3. Her body is not a porn star body. Do not compare.
This is a biggy. A female porn star was chosen for her specific body shape – and then had it enhanced to make it more.
Real boobs wobble, and bigger ones will loll about. The nipples can be dark or light, big or tiny, sometimes point sideways, sometimes to the ground. Bigger boobs spread sideways when a woman lays on her back.
Also – vaginas are not always pretty and neat. They’re all different colours, shapes and sizes, some have lots of hair, some have none, and they’re all normal.
Real women will have a cellulite, a round stomach and probably some weird bits & marks in their skin.
Apart from boob surgery, porn stars will almost certainly have hair extensions, botox, and the constant services of a beautician during ‘sex’. They may bleach their anus. They may remove every speck of hair from their bodies. They may have surgery to neaten up the lady garden for the viewers to appreciate. None of these things are actually real-life normal. Don’t expect them.
Yes. Yes I did just talk about bum bleaching.
4. Yes, They’re Faking.
What they’re doing is probably awkward, likely uncomfortable, and possibly embarrassing or even downright painful. And yet still they’ll smile and gasp and writhe enthusiastically.
The nastier or more humiliating or more painful the job, the more they get paid.
In real life, being uncomfortable or humiliated doesn’t mean a bigger pay cheque. It’s just… humiliating.
Also – porn stars happily flash their breasts and genitals, and revel in strutting around naked. In real life, women aren’t exhibitionists—according to the research, only 1 to 2 percent of us are. Women feel insecure about their bodies. Don’t expect us to prance around in the buff; we probably won’t.
5. You Don’t Want A Partner Who Fakes.
Porn actresses are paid to be oh-so-enthusiastic when a penis is waved in their direction; they’re given a quick nipple pull, and then a bloke goes for it.
Yeah; back in the real world, women take a while to warm up.
Take. That. Time.
Learn to enjoy their body – their whole body.
In porn sex, after a few swipes at her breasts and maybe a little cunnilingus, it’s all blow jobs and intercourse. But in real sex, things don’t work right without some touch all over, and your partner’s body is one big erogenous zone. Her neck, feet, thighs, back… they’re all good.
Porn sex is totally preoccupied with the genitals; try it like that and you’ll have an irritated lover who thinks you’re a dick.
Porn is male fantasy. It has no interest in women’s sexual satisfaction. With its mechanical, driven, insensitive sex, I’d guess there’s few women who would actually enjoy it this way (aside from the odd quickie… but you have no kids, you don’t have need of that yet).
Pornography teaches you that sex is simply about getting your needs met; if you’re doing it that way, you’re totally missing out.
Real sex is about meeting each others needs, adventuring and exploring each other’s bodies together. That’s where the magic is.
6. Porn Sex Is By Men, For Men. It’s not how women would design it.
Listen – as long as you’re both up for it and keen, then go for it. Do whatever you fancy trying.
Just remember that not everything you see in porn is as massive a turn on as those amazing actresses would have you believe.
I have yet to meet a woman who actually loves when a man ejaculates on her face.
There are probably some men and women who enjoy a little sperm in the eye, but it’s probably safe to say that the vast majority do not.
Other ‘norms’ like spanking, hair pulling, throat squeezing – just ask first, okay?
Don’t presume that because it’s in porn, it’s normal. Also; don’t presume because one girl loved it, the next girl will.
Look, we can talk about Porn. But I know the Internet has billions of pages of porn, much of it free. The sheer volume of it persuades us that porn sex is real sex. If we’re not doing it that way, then we’re not enjoying it ‘right’.
But not only does your average porno display a toxic version of gender inequality, it suggests that it is sexy. It tells you that when it comes to sex, treating women this way is acceptable and even desirable. I just need to be sure you know it’s not.
Listen, porn can be great. But honestly? It can also be very bad for your sex life.
It’s like a car chase in some Hollywood Blockbuster – fun to watch, but please don’t drive your own car that way.
Love, Mum x
